I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
