So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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