If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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