Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
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3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
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I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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