you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
