Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
