the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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