We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
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And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
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I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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