I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
