You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
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he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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