i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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