Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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