my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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