guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
