I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
