I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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