I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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