I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
