Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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