I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We're not piercing ourselves today.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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