I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
