You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
