They should really pass out barf bags in church
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
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