nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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