i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
