my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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