He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
