I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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