C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
