You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
