Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
