He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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