just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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