dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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