Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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