Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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