had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize