Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
