Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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