so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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