She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
