How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
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