did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
