Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
