i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Acid is not a monday night drug
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
should my penis look like a turkey
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
