I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I wish i was in the wii world.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
