the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
