The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
