my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
