You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Sext me about skeletons
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize