you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Thank you for not boning my boss.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.