it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
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he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
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in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky