the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
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legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
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Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I need water and some morals
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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