i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I need to calm my uterus...
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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