Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I have fence marks all over my body
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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