When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
