Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
